The TSA is set to institute the use of a controversial new security technology in airports. The TSA says that this technology is absolutely necessary to combat a new and devious terrorist tactic. Despite this era of heightened security, TSA hasn’t had much in the way of success that they can point to. They have spent billions of dollars on generations of body scanning machines that either don’t work or that can be defeated by simple household items. Hundreds of millions more homeland security dollars were spent on machines that blow air into passengers clothing to then sniff it for explosives residue. These were also found not to work. They also hold the dubious distinction of having disrupted exactly zero terrorist operations while inconveniencing, or some might even say harassing, hundreds of millions of travelers each year. Many travel consumer advocates have called loudly and often for the TSA to be dismantled. Many of the security analysts reporting on the TSA, are critical that the agency is unnecessary and wasteful. All of this has them struggling to justify their mission and legitimacy.
That is until recently, the TSA (which Democrats pointed out employs some 56 thousand Americans in a lackluster economy) revealed that it has conveniently received intelligence reports considered urgent from Homeland Security of a new and dangerous threat to air travel. TSA claims that this new terrorist tactic is so dastardly that only they would be in a position to combat this threat. The tactic of explosive body packing has been gaining popularity in more terrorist training literature. The first and most well-known case of this was in an assassination attempt of Saudi Prince Muhammad bin Nayef by al Qaeda in 2009. An al Qaeda agent was able to pass through incredibly strict security including a strip search by secreting explosives in his rectal cavity. The TSA is now engaged in a public information campaign to raise awareness about this very difficult to detect threat. Numerous bids to build the machines are being considered from companies such as Black&Decker, Radio Shack and General Motors.
TSA Officials suggests that the rectal probing machines will also be indispensable in preventing travelers infected with the deadly West African disease of Ebola from entering the United States. The CDC endorses rectal probing machines as they’re able to provide a far more accurate core body temperature than the infra-red thermometers that are currently in use to identify potentially infected travelers. When asked about concerns that the use of rectal probing machines could actually spread Ebola, the CDC replied that as long as the underappreciated and under paid government employees of the TSA diligently adhered to the complex and repetitive sterilization process of cleaning the rectal probe there should be no problems.
We spoke to travelers to get their initial reactions on the new searches. One business traveler who we’ll call Doug (because he said that was his name) seemed very pragmatic. {Deep sigh} “You know, we all knew that it was going this way anyways. We can all say that we aren’t gonna take up the ass to fly, but you know? I can probably do more teleconferences, but you know you’re gonna have to fly sooner or later {another deep sigh}. Because I mean they’re really given it to you in the ass in so many ways anyway, how’s this really any different?” Doug suddenly seemed to lose the will to speak, went to the furthest corner of the terminal and sat with his head in his hands.
Another traveler named Roger that we told about the new search was quite a bit more animated over the matter. “What, the TSA is gonna do what? Are you serious? So, the terrorist have won, they’ve totally won. So now the freakin terrorists finally realized that this POLITICAL CORRECTNESS INSANITY is America’s Achilles Heel. They figured it out, if just one terrorist shoves a bomb up his ass, all Americans will have to TAKE IT UP THE ASS! Because no politician in this country has the BALLS to stand up and say that we shouldn’t be patting down CHILDREN AND OLD LADIES while terrorists from the Middle East are just walking across the border. This is INSANITY, instead of focusing on the terrorists we’re all going to take it in the ASS?! That’s just great, that’s just great.”
Roger seemed to be very disturbed by what we think he believed to be an invasion of privacy (paraphrasing). In fact he was so disturbed that we kinda walked off whistling while Roger was screaming profanities, throwing and kicking things around the airport terminal. Apparently not a good thing to do in a secure airport terminal, as became clear by the numerous law enforcement personnel that seemed to appear out of nowhere. Amazingly this seemed to aggravate Roger even more, and it probably didn’t sit well with him that he was restrained and eventually after a bit of a tussle, arrested. We decided it would be a good idea to conclude our passenger interviews at that point.
In response to questions regarding the potential for abuse, the TSA assured us that numerous strict controls will be put in place to ensure that rectal probing will not be used in a punitive manner to target political adversaries of the government or citizens that voiced their disagreement with the policies of President Obama. In order to ensure that there are no abuses, all travelers passing through TSA airport security check points will be required to fill out a survey inquiring about their political party affiliation, list their political campaign donations, provide lists of any organizations that they belong to, provided a list of associates and casual acquaintances and provide lists of their recent reading material.
TSA officials informed us that members of select communities will be excluded from the rectal probing under the justification of religious objection. Senior TSA officials advised that the philosophy of using technology as a substitute for terrorist profiling at airports came out of the fear that provoking the anger of certain groups could be counterproductive. As a result, if you are Muslim you need only provide a letter from the Imam of your Mosque that you will not participate in the rectal probing search due to religious objection. No other select groups are aloud exclusion under any objection at this time. In pointing out the obvious contradiction that Islamic terrorists are the suspected perpetrators of an explosive body packing attack yet Islamists will effectively be excluded from the rectal probing search, the TSA responded by pointing out that this new rectal search policy will be relatively no different than the current policy of arbitrarily searching random Americans with no basis in evidence or circumstance. We had to agree with that statement. Either this is another political correctness governmental boondoggle, or it’s a poignantly targeted political ridicule using a false pretense to illustrate the tragic comedy or errors that not only the government is in general, but the three ring clown circus of ineptitude and amateurishness that President Obama serves up to the American people on a daily basis. Stay sane friends.
POLITICULE 